It Isn't Wasted.

As someone who writes from experience, “inspiration” can be very difficult.

I’ve been going through my old hard drive and some of my old written things on Deviant, after having crammed reading the entire Fruits basket manga - since they made a reboot in the anime series which is following the manga now! I suddenly felt like reflecting on how life has been so far. Gosh, this anime really makes me feel human.

Dear reader, if you’re wondering what fruits basket is - watch it now! There’s Fruits basket (complete series and 1 season only) and Fruits Basket 2019 (they basically are re-doing the entire series, following the manga exactly and will be a couple of seasons! This is still on going and up to episode 14 as of this writing).

What I love about this anime is that it really shows how one can survive through adversities in life. How, it may seem impossible to smile after such moments in life, but you still do - and you still push on. How, in the end, if we have 1 ray of hope, in something or in someone, that it’s enough to keep us wanting to live on. I first read the manga back in High school and watched the entire series, and I remember it having left a big impact on me. Because of that series, I’ve had a different outlook on things and on people. Fruits basket saved me when I felt life was just absolutely empty and there was no reason to it - and it seems it has saved me once more in the present.

Lately, I’ve been dragging my thoughts around and I don’t know where I’m going and what I’m doing with it. All I know is that it’s there - I’m not paying attention to it but I’m holding it, dragging it around and … it’s there. I’ve just been keeping busy. And after having binged the entire manga, and leaving me to feel all sorts of feelings, I’ve come to realise that I’ve been afraid of allowing it (my thoughts) to take over. And all the while, I thought I’ve been doing what’s best, I’ve actually been making it worse for myself - and I wonder to myself, when have I become like this? I’ve always thought of myself to have been head strong with taking things on, but lately, I’ve just been looking for hiding places and have been selective of which battles to face. But why?

I start to recollect the words I let out and I remember often saying "It’s a waste of time” - and this is where this anime has saved me yet again. I mentioned early on that there are 2 series to this anime, right? One that was made years ago and only lasted 1 season, and the other that is on-going, following the manga this time.

While reading the manga, I came across a moment/line that feels like I was meant to read at the best time.

“Every time you fall down, or take the wrong path, it isn’t wasted. As long as you don’t consider it a waste, you will surely develop and grow overtime. This is.. My theory” - Kyoko (Tohru Honda’s mother)

These words couldn’t have been more true … and it has left me feeling ashamed of myself. I think to myself, “This! I know I believe in this! I know this is what I’ve been telling my younger self!” but… it seems I haven’t been true to this anymore. With change being so constant and everything around me that keeps flowing, I feel that' I’ve been swayed - and even swept away. What happened? I’ve become a more anxious person. Quick to react, quick to get angry, quick to think that I’m just wasting my time. But now, I think, am I? Am I, really? Who’s to even say what I should be doing? Where I should be going? How I should be living my life?

We’re born and we die. Often times, we’re so focused on what was waste our time with because we know that our time will come - this being the inevitable truth, and we don’t want to leave with regrets but … thinking about it - isn’t that a true waste? We’ll never know when, we’ll never know why, and never know how - but like i said, the inevitable truth will come. I used to think to myself that I should live each day as if I was ready to die tomorrow - without even thinking of it - Just Living and just being, co-existing with those who are willing to be around me and enjoying the time of those who spend it with me - and I even thought that this includes all the “misfortune”. My younger self would never bat an eyelash and turn away from adversity, but rather, embrace all that comes my way because I know, for a fact, it will shape me - it will mould me and it will make me a better person. Here I am now, reading my old written words and feeling what I feel - ashamed for having been swayed, almost to the point of being consumed by it.

Though, even as I am writing this, I still feel afraid. I still feel anxious about so many things but… I’ll keep moving. I’ll face things head strong as I have done before. I’ve done it before, so I know I can do it again. Everything I’ve had to deal with, all the moments I’ve had, good and bad - they aren’t a waste. Fear, as with pain, exists for a reason - it makes us feel alive. And when this presents itself in life, it’s just another way of Life saying, you’re growing - you’re truly alive. And what’s more is that I shouldn’t be afraid to admit that I am afraid, that uncertainty can make me tremble - rather, I should admit it so I can keep moving and overcome it - because what’s important, is that right now, I’m alive.

And I will live while I am alive.