Unscrolling my life
Short form content is not for me. I find myself consuming often but it is down right horrible for me.
Anytime I get a spark of creativity, I want to create something that’s never for short form content. SO WHY ON EARTH DO I WASTE MY TIME/ENERGY/LIFE ON FRIGGING SHORT FORM CONTENT?!?!?! A.K.A DOOM SCROLLING.
Yes, I have written and shared about my horrid doom scrolling habit and how I want to stop - but always find myself back at it again - and the beauty of getting closer to meeting my forever bed in the ground (aging/dying) is that more of me is realized. I always wonder why I don’t realize more about myself sooner - to save myself from all this wasted time, but after actually thinking about it, if I knew everything about myself already - what more do I live for? What else is there to discover if all is found? And sooooo - after really back tracking to when and where this habit started, I BELIEVE it goes back to when I first became a parent.
Those days when all I felt I should be doing is looking at a human being that I brought into this world with absolutely no clue on how to care for but need to keep alive. Those moments when my little human is just sleeping, and I feel I can’t do anything else - because I was unknowledgeable and was too scared to leave a tiny human alone, no matter what - the only thing I could do was be on my phone. For more than 1 reason really :
To stay in touch with my husband and give updates on the tiny human and feel like I wasn’t alone
To research on tips and best practices and other things on caring for and keeping a tiny human alive
To fill the void when the peace and quiet started to get…. eery and creepy (Post partum depression is no joke. Can’t stay with my own thoughts, else, things would go bad real fast.)
What I thought was mere… nothing… turned out to be the most horrible thing for me - long term. Because That habit of picking up my phone stayed, even after I felt comfortable parenting a tiny human (I mean, I have 3 now…so… yeah).
So here I am, 8 years going 9 being a parent and with a horrible doom scrolling habit - because I just wanted to be a more informed and connected parent - which Ironically, provided me a lot of misinformation (to which - I ensured to research for correct data/information) and less connected; Less connected because my doom scrolling habits have made me less present than I wanted AND has drained the life out of me.
HEAR THIS - Draining my phone battery, drained my life battery. YEAH. Ever found yourself feeling so exhausted after doing nothing but doom scrolling? and by the time your phone dies, mid-doom scrolling, you feel….so tired?
These past few days have made me realize that when my phone lasts a while, like a few days even, it’s when I’m happier and healthier and more present. When the phone is not the first thing I want to look at or care about - my brain and emotions shift to things that I’ve been telling myself should matter.
As a mom, I see how my family is immediately affected by how I am.
When I’m in a good mood, the kids feel more preppy and excited for things.
When I’m in a teaching mood, the kids gain more knowledge.
When I’m feeling active and outgoing, the kids get more experience out of life.
When I am healthy and happy, everyone else around me can benefit and be healthier and happier.
And I am horribly guilty for not being all these things for my family more than I should.
I told myself at the beginning of the year that I would create more than I consume. I truly need to hold myself accountable to that. One way I am ensuring that I do so, is I have made it a point to question myself if what I’m going to do contributes to long term betterment or not (a.ka short term) - and another is if doing what I will do will enable me to immediately act on it.
Soooo… why am I ranting about Short form content and doom scrolling? BECAUSE SHORT FORM CONTENT DOESN’T STICK IN MY BRAIN AND I AM WASTING PRECIOUS TIME BEING ENTERTAINED BY SOMETHING I WON’T EVEN REMEMBER IN A FEW MINUTES OR SO. Most of my doom scrolling is that - short form content doom scrolling.
When I watch long form content things - like a nice quiet vlog, or travel vlogs, or podcast, or reading a book, etc. it actually sticks in my head and the information/knowledge gained becomes useful - either immediately or in the future. I come back and remember something I’ve watched a year or more ago from a vlog, or a documentary, or a book - even after just seeing/reading once, because I was genuinely interested and felt it was helpful to know. Unlike short form content where… I can’t even recall what I’ve just watched.
My mind has deteriorated so much - and I’m so disappointed that I’ve let this on for as long as it did. But you know what makes me feel even more like horrible human being? it’s that I believe I had to go through this phase - otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to understand the “lessons” that came out of this - BUT AT THE EXPENSE OF MY FAMILY LIFE. Gaining wisdom isn’t for the faint of heart. Lessons learned aren’t always pretty and there’s a lot risked to gain it. Sometimes there’s a silver lining, other times, it’s selfishness realized. But nevertheless, a lesson learned.
So will I actually overcome this? I don’t know. I do know I hate this. I hate what I have become and continue to allow. Being a human alone is hard and to top it with becoming a parent - even harder (not to be mistaken with feeling that I don’t like being a parent. Just that responsibilities pile up and knowing what I have been doing doesn’t make anything easier).
I am doing something about it, to say at the least. I’ve been taking more photos lately and focusing on exercising my thoughts with more creativity; like writing, painting, crocheting, updating my website, learning more tech, tried knitting (but damn knitting is hard), and going out more. It has kept me busy and I’ve realized that I don’t doom scroll when I am doing these things. So I have at least identified things that keep me interested that I don’t even care to look at my phone for. Nowwwww, comes the part that I keep failing at - being consistent. It’s also pretty expensive to keep up with these things. BUT I also really need to convince myself that this is what life is for, right? Creating memories, building good habits, living life - it all comes with a cost. I don’t think I have fully accepted the cost that comes with living a relatively good, healthy life.
But I have posed the question to myself many times - what do I earn for? why do I want to earn what I earn? and I know the answer - but I may have more deep rooted traumas to surface and take care of. Because money, although it’s not something I am greedy about, is not something I want to be scarce with. So I am pretty conscious of it.
Odd isn’t it? Being aware of this but still need convincing to feel more free. That’s Trauma, folks.
Well, I’ll continue to keep moving along. To keep discovering things, realize things, figure things out, and keep learning; about myself, life, and how I am as a parent. I’m looking to leverage blogging more. I feel I am able to speak my mind and feelings better - plus paired with photography. After attempting many, many ways to create - I’ve realized (again, realizing) that I always come back to photography. Picking up camera and taking photos feels most natural and second nature to me. I just know what to do; it’s familiar and it’s one of those things I know how to do quick and well.
To you, fellow reader - thank you for reading my scattered thoughts.
I think in my next blog, I’ll do a mix of writing and sharing photos in between as well.
It’s 11:35PM where I am and will sleep snuggly next to my kids and husband (because we’re in 2 beds placed together in a hotel somewhere). Good night!
PS
The photo used was just a personal choice. It’s a photo from a recent trip to Boracay. Loved the time spent with the entire fam 🧡 AND I love how it somehow also depicts that I should be looking up more than looking down (on my phone).